Woman never satisfied..

Tenants..

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
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Drugstore clerk!!

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
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Christmas tunes..

Dashing thru the snow...on a V8 wondersled... crashing into trees...cos I'm off my fucking head...Been smoking santa's pipe...a dozen beers or more...I'm heading to the the red light zone to get myself a whore... Oh... Jingle bells, Jingle bells santa's smokin weed.... Mrs. Claus is on the floor...she's overdosed on speed...Blitzens fucked, the elves are too..they're trippin off their heads..If Rudolf snorts another line the twat will wind up dead!!
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Yo Mama..

Something Fucking touched me..

Sneaky Drinky..

I'm sorry Savannah, but that night we went to Southern comfort, I saw you kissing Captain Morgan and you had sex on the beach with Jack Daniels... You broke my Red heart! But guess what??? I played you with your own Four cousins!
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Little toe..

A guy is standing next to a gorgeous woman at a bar. He leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe" She replies, "What?...I'm small and cute?" He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"
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The polite way to go Pee..

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said I would say:
'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted!

Give that lighty a bells
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Oh Dr.Phil..

Dr. Phil and Obsessions
-------------------------

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving."
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Blond jokes whahaha..

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are on vacation in London England. They decide to take a ride on one of London's famous double-decker buses. There are two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss. Fifteen minutes later it's the redhead's turn, so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's wrong?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
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Twilight..

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasising about that.
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Driving..

I'm starting to be careful about drunk driving now Christmas isn't far away..
In fact last night i left my car at the pub and took the bus home.
I'm quite proud of myself, i'd never driven a bus before..!!
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Money wise..

More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no f***ing idea why!.
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Hehehe

Dear alcohol......
We had a deal where u would make me funnier,smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video. We need to talk........
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Girlfriend

I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after going through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a French maid outfit and a police woman uniform, i dumped her … It's obvious, she can't keep a job !!!
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My fav Doctor..

I went to the doctor's office the other day & found out that my new doctor is ayoung female & drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."I said. "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny.

So a week later a went back 2my young, sexy female doctor for a check up. She told me I shud stop masturbating..."Why" I asked..."Cause I'm trying 2 examine u" she replied
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Julius Malema..

Julius Malema stated yesterday : "I want the people of South Africa to treat me the same way they treated Nelson Mandela".

Evita Bezuidenhout immediately responded : "What a great idea. Let's start with the 27 years in jail . . . . . "
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Most important!!!

Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
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Q and A!!

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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