Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 20 kilograms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
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A Boxer.. Haha
There were three babies in a womb, and
they were discussing what they would like to be
when birthed and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked "why
a plumber?"
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here,
its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked "Why an
electrician?"
He replied, "So I can get some lights in here,
it's dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and
laughed for a full five minutes, before asking,
"Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that
bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
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they were discussing what they would like to be
when birthed and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked "why
a plumber?"
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here,
its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked "Why an
electrician?"
He replied, "So I can get some lights in here,
it's dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and
laughed for a full five minutes, before asking,
"Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that
bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
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Great Doc
A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk,He slaps me around."The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your Husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallowIt until he goes to bed and is asleep."Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor lookingFresh and rejuvenated. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every timeMy husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swishedAnd swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"The Doctor says: "The water does fuck all...it's keeping your mouth Shut that does the trick...." Give that doc a Bells !!!
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500 816 view Mark
Bonganie..
Bonganie
------------------------
Boss: "Bongani, do you believe in Life after Death?"
Bongani: "Ack-tually, no, Sir!"
Boss: "Why not?"
Bongani:"Well, basickully, dêr is no proof that it ack-tually exists, Boss."
Boss: "Well, there is proof now."
Bongani: "Hai-bo! Seri-aaass?"
Boss: "Yes absolutely. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."
Bongani: "Eeisssshhhh...."
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------------------------
Boss: "Bongani, do you believe in Life after Death?"
Bongani: "Ack-tually, no, Sir!"
Boss: "Why not?"
Bongani:"Well, basickully, dêr is no proof that it ack-tually exists, Boss."
Boss: "Well, there is proof now."
Bongani: "Hai-bo! Seri-aaass?"
Boss: "Yes absolutely. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."
Bongani: "Eeisssshhhh...."
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See honey..
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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I wasn't that drunk
I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you threw my hamster on the floor and said: Pikachu,I choose you!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you were in my closet yelling, "where the #%k is Narnia?".*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single.."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were in my pool trying to find Nemo."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you asked my cat why he killed Mufasa"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you hugged a hobo with a white beard and cried
DUMBLEDORE YOU'RE BACK!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* *"Dude* we found you at the train station running into a wall trying to get to platform 9 3/4 "*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you forgot the lyrics of Barbra Streisand."
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were shouting "Never" to a Justin Bieber posters."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
*Friend replies: "Dude you took off your pants and ran around screaming
Freee Willly
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Friend replies:* "Dude, you threw my hamster on the floor and said: Pikachu,I choose you!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you were in my closet yelling, "where the #%k is Narnia?".*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single.."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were in my pool trying to find Nemo."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you asked my cat why he killed Mufasa"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you hugged a hobo with a white beard and cried
DUMBLEDORE YOU'RE BACK!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* *"Dude* we found you at the train station running into a wall trying to get to platform 9 3/4 "*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you forgot the lyrics of Barbra Streisand."
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were shouting "Never" to a Justin Bieber posters."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
*Friend replies: "Dude you took off your pants and ran around screaming
Freee Willly
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Hung like a Horse...
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.
Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.
He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me !!!! "
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets
the
farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties
it
to the car and pulls him out.
The Horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life."
Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help me!!!
Go get the farmer!!!"
So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you."
The Horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken,
"Grab onto my Willy." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back,
and the horse Saves the chickens' life.
So whats the moral of the story ?????
If you have a willy the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to
pick up
chicks...
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Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.
He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me !!!! "
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets
the
farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties
it
to the car and pulls him out.
The Horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life."
Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help me!!!
Go get the farmer!!!"
So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you."
The Horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken,
"Grab onto my Willy." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back,
and the horse Saves the chickens' life.
So whats the moral of the story ?????
If you have a willy the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to
pick up
chicks...
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Old Fart..
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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Another Drinking Prob..
You know you have a drinking problem when you "tap" the mouthwash cap twice before putting it down...
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Dentist..
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'
The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'
'Cause I Didn't feel a thing!
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Business Trip Honey..
Jet Airways Launched a scheme where a husband can take his wife for free on a Business Trip.
After Big Success of the scheme, Jet Airways sent letters to all the wives asking about their Experience?
99% Wives replied:
Which trip? When? What Scheme?
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Oooh Driving
Saw a bumper sticker that read: "Veterinarians drive like animals" Then I wondered, how do Gynaecologist's drive?
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Cheque book..
Julius Malema lost his Cheque Book. So he goes to the Bank.
Bank Manager: Be vigilant, anyone can counterfeit your signature.
Malema: I'm not a bamboozle, I have already signed all the cheques !!!!!!!!!!!!
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Smoking Koala!!!
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizzard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some. 'So the little lizzard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizzard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizzard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizzard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you? 'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you! 'So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Faaaaaaaak dude.....How much water did you drink!?
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Check this out
Hi all you funny people.. I'm going on a little surfing adventure!! You guys can tune in at africanroadtrip.blogspot.com where I'm documenting my entire trip.. Please show support guys and tell your friends..
Thanx ;)
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Thanx ;)
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Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts! !
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts! !
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts! !
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!
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