Start laughing You: 2010

What IS A 710?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is

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Big Boys Dreams

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

Old Age Married At Last

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

Lisp....

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

This is so Cool you can add you own jokes on this website
Thanx Thomas this is amazzzzing come on guys try it out and lets all start laughing

Say a Little Prayer

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Explosively Funny

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

Timing Is Everything

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Random funny snaps

Monkey Trouble

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:

- Do you have any bananas?

- No,I don't. ( says the barman)

- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)

- No,I have not got any bananas!!!

- Do you have any bananas?

- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!

- Do you have any nails?

- No,I don't.

- Do you have any bananas?

Is That fortune or What

A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:

- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.

- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!

At His Best

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.

His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.

She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.

She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?"

To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says.

"Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good...

So I just swapped their heads."

Young Con

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Elephant

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!

Blond

Why did the blonde tip-toe across the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Double

A man goes hiking. he gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says, "I will give you three wishes but there's a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double."

So the man says okay.

First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double."

Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double."

Then his last wish is, "Beat me half to death."

What im doing

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Meaning of Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.

What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,

"The meaning of dreams"

What's the difference

What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?

Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.

Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

Our Government

Our favorite Government Cronies

In Common.

What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?

In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

Ice Fishing.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

Naughty Boy

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.

Lady teacher rubs it off.

Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:

"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!!

Don't Know Shit.

AA stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

- 'What would you like to talk about?'

- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says,

- 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the blonde replies,

- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Not Mine.

"Does your dog bite?"

"No."

(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)

"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

"That is not my dog."

Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Blond Jokes

How many blonde jokes are there?

1 the rest of them are true stories.

Nevermind.

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."

Snakes

Two snakes are talking.

One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"

The other replays, "Yes,why?..."

"I just bit ma lip."

Doggy Style

A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, "What are you doing ?"

His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"

Boy say, "Do her d*ggy style I want a puppy."

Evil Alcohol

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.

He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.

The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.

"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"

"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

Linner

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.

"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.

"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

Worst Secret

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Dirty Professor

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a pr*stitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

Go slow.

teacher asked : Why are you late for school?

Johnny: Because of the Sign.

Teacher : What Sign?

Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"

I like the way your thinking.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be

left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher,

"but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop,

one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one

is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

In trouble

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I

think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a

feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the

blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Snake Bite

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the Ass by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you're gonna die."

Breasts.

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers:

"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

Woman's Brain.

Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain:

On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Xmas present.

Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."

Santa - "Send me your mother."

Sleeping April.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted

Johnny's Daddy

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a

condom about to give his wife some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,

"Whatcha doin' Daddy?"

Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the

floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.

Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"

Obama, Mugabe and Zuma.

One day Mugabe, Obama and Zuma decided to take a trip to Egypt together too have the talk of talks on the way up to egypt from South Africa in there Jeep....

While crossing the Sahara desert an unforseen event acured the Jeep broke down and neither of them knew what the problem was...

Mugabe has been in the Sahara desert before and knew there was a village nearby....

upon leaving Obama suggested that we take a piece of the Jeep just incase they come back and the whole jeep is salvaged and atleast have a suvenear of there Jeep...

Mugabe desided too take the seat, Obama took the radiator and Zuma took the door..

While walking Obama asked Mugabe why he took the seat. Mugabe said. "So i can sit on it when i get tired of walking." So Mugabe asked Obama why he took the radiator Obama replied. "so when i need a drink i have the water from the radiator to drink." After a while Obama looked at Zuma and asked "Zuma why did you take the door?" Zuma replied, "Eish, when i get hot im gona role down my window to cool off."

Chinese suplies.

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...Suplies

Give him a dollar.

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some 'desert.' Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.

Joe asks what the dollar is all about.

The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him -- give him a dollar.' The lunch was my idea."

That's cruel.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."

A woman's mind.

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Mom and Dad.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Crazy man.

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.

So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.

Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.

She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."

"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.

"Yes, anything." she replies.

So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"

Bartender's Dog

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

Poem vs Poem

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is

a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word

"Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,

I had no children, had no wife,

I read the bible through and through

on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd,

with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I of Brisbane went

We met three women cheap to rent.

They were three and we were two,

So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Miss judgement

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was

stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn

coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and

began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for

your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

Big trouble

A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that.

Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok

except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately

purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.

Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at

home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they

had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.

Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at

the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has

take her in front of everyone.

Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.

After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is

excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks.

A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the

vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"

Rip off

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."

"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"

"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."

"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

Drunk genie

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the

piano.

"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.

"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."

Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.

"You grant wishes right?"

"Yes." replies the genie.

"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."

Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into

the bar.

"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"

His friends sitting at the table replies,

"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Happiness

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.

Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"

Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"

Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."

Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."

Jobless or not

A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.

The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.

The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?

The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!

Lucky day

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Great doctor.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Pimp Rooster

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the

young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

Guys win every time.

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.

The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."

"No worries," replies the clerk.

"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."

"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.

With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.

In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.

She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing?" she asks.

"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

Old person scam.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Is it always the best idea.

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

True confession.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

What children get up too

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Payback

Crawler

Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol.

After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to

stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches
the door in his house and he tries to stand but then

for the third time he falls again.

He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground.

His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"

A million ducks genie

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.

"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.

"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of the bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."

Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.

"You grant wishes right?"

"Yes." replies the genie.

"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."

Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into

the bar.

"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"

His friends sitting at the table replies,

"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

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