A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
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Drugstore clerk!!
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
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Christmas tunes..
Dashing thru the snow...on a V8 wondersled... crashing into trees...cos I'm off my fucking head...Been smoking santa's pipe...a dozen beers or more...I'm heading to the the red light zone to get myself a whore... Oh... Jingle bells, Jingle bells santa's smokin weed.... Mrs. Claus is on the floor...she's overdosed on speed...Blitzens fucked, the elves are too..they're trippin off their heads..If Rudolf snorts another line the twat will wind up dead!!
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Sneaky Drinky..
I'm sorry Savannah, but that night we went to Southern comfort, I saw you kissing Captain Morgan and you had sex on the beach with Jack Daniels... You broke my Red heart! But guess what??? I played you with your own Four cousins!
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Little toe..
A guy is standing next to a gorgeous woman at a bar. He leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe" She replies, "What?...I'm small and cute?" He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"
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The polite way to go Pee..
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said I would say:
'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted!
Give that lighty a bells
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Oh Dr.Phil..
Dr. Phil and Obsessions
-------------------------
-------------------------
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving."
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Blond jokes whahaha..
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are on vacation in London England. They decide to take a ride on one of London's famous double-decker buses. There are two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss. Fifteen minutes later it's the redhead's turn, so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's wrong?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
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Twilight..
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasising about that.
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Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasising about that.
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Driving..
I'm starting to be careful about drunk driving now Christmas isn't far away..
In fact last night i left my car at the pub and took the bus home.
I'm quite proud of myself, i'd never driven a bus before..!!
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In fact last night i left my car at the pub and took the bus home.
I'm quite proud of myself, i'd never driven a bus before..!!
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Money wise..
More money is spent on boob jobs and viagra than on alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no f***ing idea why!.
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Hehehe
Dear alcohol......
We had a deal where u would make me funnier,smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video. We need to talk........
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We had a deal where u would make me funnier,smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video. We need to talk........
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Girlfriend
I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after going through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a French maid outfit and a police woman uniform, i dumped her … It's obvious, she can't keep a job !!!
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My fav Doctor..
I went to the doctor's office the other day & found out that my new doctor is ayoung female & drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."I said. "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny.
So a week later a went back 2my young, sexy female doctor for a check up. She told me I shud stop masturbating..."Why" I asked..."Cause I'm trying 2 examine u" she replied
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So a week later a went back 2my young, sexy female doctor for a check up. She told me I shud stop masturbating..."Why" I asked..."Cause I'm trying 2 examine u" she replied
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Julius Malema..
Julius Malema stated yesterday : "I want the people of South Africa to treat me the same way they treated Nelson Mandela".
Evita Bezuidenhout immediately responded : "What a great idea. Let's start with the 27 years in jail . . . . . "
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Most important!!!
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
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Q and A!!
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q and A
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 20 kilograms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
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A: 20 kilograms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
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A Boxer.. Haha
There were three babies in a womb, and
they were discussing what they would like to be
when birthed and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked "why
a plumber?"
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here,
its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked "Why an
electrician?"
He replied, "So I can get some lights in here,
it's dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and
laughed for a full five minutes, before asking,
"Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that
bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
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they were discussing what they would like to be
when birthed and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked "why
a plumber?"
He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here,
its kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked "Why an
electrician?"
He replied, "So I can get some lights in here,
it's dark!"
The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."
The others thought this was hilarious, and
laughed for a full five minutes, before asking,
"Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that
bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
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Great Doc
A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face. The Doctor asks: "What happened?"The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk,He slaps me around."The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your Husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallowIt until he goes to bed and is asleep."Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor lookingFresh and rejuvenated. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every timeMy husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swishedAnd swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"The Doctor says: "The water does fuck all...it's keeping your mouth Shut that does the trick...." Give that doc a Bells !!!
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500 816 view Mark
Bonganie..
Bonganie
------------------------
Boss: "Bongani, do you believe in Life after Death?"
Bongani: "Ack-tually, no, Sir!"
Boss: "Why not?"
Bongani:"Well, basickully, dêr is no proof that it ack-tually exists, Boss."
Boss: "Well, there is proof now."
Bongani: "Hai-bo! Seri-aaass?"
Boss: "Yes absolutely. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."
Bongani: "Eeisssshhhh...."
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------------------------
Boss: "Bongani, do you believe in Life after Death?"
Bongani: "Ack-tually, no, Sir!"
Boss: "Why not?"
Bongani:"Well, basickully, dêr is no proof that it ack-tually exists, Boss."
Boss: "Well, there is proof now."
Bongani: "Hai-bo! Seri-aaass?"
Boss: "Yes absolutely. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."
Bongani: "Eeisssshhhh...."
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See honey..
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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I wasn't that drunk
I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you threw my hamster on the floor and said: Pikachu,I choose you!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you were in my closet yelling, "where the #%k is Narnia?".*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single.."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were in my pool trying to find Nemo."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you asked my cat why he killed Mufasa"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you hugged a hobo with a white beard and cried
DUMBLEDORE YOU'RE BACK!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* *"Dude* we found you at the train station running into a wall trying to get to platform 9 3/4 "*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you forgot the lyrics of Barbra Streisand."
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were shouting "Never" to a Justin Bieber posters."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
*Friend replies: "Dude you took off your pants and ran around screaming
Freee Willly
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Friend replies:* "Dude, you threw my hamster on the floor and said: Pikachu,I choose you!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you were in my closet yelling, "where the #%k is Narnia?".*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single.."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were in my pool trying to find Nemo."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you asked my cat why he killed Mufasa"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you hugged a hobo with a white beard and cried
DUMBLEDORE YOU'RE BACK!"*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* *"Dude* we found you at the train station running into a wall trying to get to platform 9 3/4 "*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you forgot the lyrics of Barbra Streisand."
"I wasn't that drunk!"
Friend replies:* "Dude you were shouting "Never" to a Justin Bieber posters."*
"I wasn't that drunk!"
*Friend replies: "Dude you took off your pants and ran around screaming
Freee Willly
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Hung like a Horse...
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.
Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.
He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me !!!! "
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets
the
farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties
it
to the car and pulls him out.
The Horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life."
Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help me!!!
Go get the farmer!!!"
So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you."
The Horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken,
"Grab onto my Willy." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back,
and the horse Saves the chickens' life.
So whats the moral of the story ?????
If you have a willy the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to
pick up
chicks...
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Suddenly the horse falls into a pit.
He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer, save me, save me !!!! "
The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets
the
farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties
it
to the car and pulls him out.
The Horse says, "Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life."
Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken
falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help me!!!
Go get the farmer!!!"
So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you."
The Horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken,
"Grab onto my Willy." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back,
and the horse Saves the chickens' life.
So whats the moral of the story ?????
If you have a willy the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW to
pick up
chicks...
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Old Fart..
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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Another Drinking Prob..
You know you have a drinking problem when you "tap" the mouthwash cap twice before putting it down...
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Dentist..
A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.'
The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?'
'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'
One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a really good dentist.'
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?'
'Cause I Didn't feel a thing!
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Business Trip Honey..
Jet Airways Launched a scheme where a husband can take his wife for free on a Business Trip.
After Big Success of the scheme, Jet Airways sent letters to all the wives asking about their Experience?
99% Wives replied:
Which trip? When? What Scheme?
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Oooh Driving
Saw a bumper sticker that read: "Veterinarians drive like animals" Then I wondered, how do Gynaecologist's drive?
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Cheque book..
Julius Malema lost his Cheque Book. So he goes to the Bank.
Bank Manager: Be vigilant, anyone can counterfeit your signature.
Malema: I'm not a bamboozle, I have already signed all the cheques !!!!!!!!!!!!
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Smoking Koala!!!
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizzard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some. 'So the little lizzard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizzard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizzard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizzard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you? 'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you! 'So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Faaaaaaaak dude.....How much water did you drink!?
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Check this out
Hi all you funny people.. I'm going on a little surfing adventure!! You guys can tune in at africanroadtrip.blogspot.com where I'm documenting my entire trip.. Please show support guys and tell your friends..
Thanx ;)
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Thanx ;)
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Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts! !
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts! !
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!Very soon women will pay men to suck their breasts! !
BBC Homepage Top News Story -
Doctors recommend that women reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having their breasts sucked. It is said that regular sucking of the breast lowers the risk level. The breasts must be sucked as often as possible, to help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part, and women please save yourselves. !
This message is from the Ministry of Health.
"IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
I honestly think we should comply.
Help save a life today,
Suck a breast today !
Send this to all responsible men,
& to ladies who are unaware of the high risk. Men please save women... We will save tigers later..!!!!
Golf Day
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
NASA
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Russians used a pencil.
Eyesight
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Ducks and Elephants
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
Soldiers
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
On a bus
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Dad Dad Dad
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
New York Turtle
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
Doctor - Patient
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
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